From my sub-conscious

I had an erotic dream about one of my colleagues last night.

M is beardless and on the shorter-than-average side - so not my natural "type."  Nonetheless,  I find his dorkiness charming, his humor sharp, and his intellect impressive - indeed, qualities that are part-and-parcel of my natural type. In real life, I enjoy our rapport and all his endearing qualities have led to a closeness and chemistry between us (the boundaries of work and his marriage are fully respected!), and which occasionally leads to some involuntary fantasizing (on my part, at least) during management meetings.  We have been working particularly closely together recently, including a nice business dinner the other evening with a third party with delicious food and wine, and delightful conversation.   And last night, the whole thing played out in my sub-conscious...

From my sub-conscious

Last night's dream involved a camping and barbecue party on a beach bluff with a summer cottage.  My dream boyfriend* was fishing for dinner from a nearby creek, and then prepared the whole fish beautifully with some seasoning for grilling, lovingly presenting it to me.  I smiled, touched by his generous efforts, but my softened heart also sunk for I knew something he did not know.  Amongst the many people in our group, my dream former boyfriend** was also there, and they were about to encounter each other.  We all did our best to act like nothing was up between or among any party in the love triangle, but everyone was extremely uncomfortable.

Alone, I skipped over some dunes to find a little beach cove, and saw a family of whales breaching in the open sea beyond. Later, I magically swam with two baby whales in the little intlet that opened out from our private beach. Back on the bluff, stars in the night sky, people had broken into small groups laughing and chatting in lowered voices  or lovers leaning one against the other whispering to each other and into the darkness.  I couldn't find dream boyfriend, and knew he had gone to heal himself.  Dream former boyfriend had left.  I felt both happy (content swimming and being outside on a beautiful evening, taking care of myself)  and horrible, because I knew I had contributed to hurt feelings and tension.  I knew, in fact, not only that dream former boyfriend would be there, but in fact, I had invited both men without sharing in advance what each was headed for.  The sub-conscious of my sub-conscious even knew that I had played the whole thing for my own ego, and to show each what he had or did not have.  I awoke from the dream feeling guilty, but aware, and knowing the way forward.

Later, I dozed again in the early hours of the morning, and fell back into the dream.  This time, I found dream boyfriend at his home, hurt and withdrawn.  I begged forgiveness, a genuine lump in my throat, tears in my eyes.  "I'm so sorry," I said, holding forth my arms for both comfort and forgiveness.  He hesitated, which I deserved, but then came towards me for which I was relieved and grateful, and knew I would not take for granted.  We kissed, and sighed.  I knew this is where I wanted to be.

* an amalgam of several men I've known and cared for
** no one I recognized

ETA - There were two parts of this dream that stood out for me.  First, the more obvious one of the relationship dynamics, my role in manipulating them, and the sincere realization, almost revelation, that that was not what I wanted to do.  The second very poignant element of the dream was the joy of being outside and keeping things in their most natural state - catching, seasoning and grilling fish, the bluff, the dunes, the screened in porch of a summer cottage, a light breeze, swimming alone in a small, private cove. Those things were especially vivid and salient, and brought me an almost extreme measure of contentment that very much carried throughout the dream.

From my sub-conscious - XXX

I've had three vivid and whack dreams in the last two nights.   One I don't remember, another was work-related.  The third was pretty much a porn flick in my head, and I was the porn star:-)  Very vivid, very graphic, very steamy.  I can rewind part of the dream in my head, and re-play.  Very nice.  :-)

From my sub-conscious

A blended work anxiety/sex dream...go figure!

So, I'm making out with X (who shall remain nameless) - can't keep our hands off each other, clothes pulled every which way, unfastening..."Damn...I have to work," I said. "I'm here in NYC for our 15th Anniversary Gala event....I have to get ready."  So, reluctantly, I pull away, buttoning/unbuttoning. I hit my hotel room for a shower where I am met by about 12 co-workers also getting ready for the event, hanging out, chatting, and taking pictures. I'm naked (and so caught! - not only nude, but clearly disheveled, and clearly irresponsible because I'm supposed to be working!), but I get my "boss-lady" attitude on. "We're late.  We have got to get moving.  The event is in a hour!"  I go to hit the shower panicked about the event, and a junior colleague snaps a picture of my boobs.

Dreams are whack!

From my sub-conscious

Last night I had a dream that disturbed me more as the day went on - though I did not actually recall it until the late afternoon. 

I was at a camp, very wooded and cool.  I was excited to do the various activities - sit on the dock, take a canoe out on the lake, etc. - but there were snakes, adder snakes. They were huge and green, and would coil under the dock planks or around a low-hanging tree limb.  Each time I saw one, I would get up and walk away, being delayed and deterred from my intended activity.  "I have to watch out for the black adders, " I thought, and cautioned unseen others. "Be careful of the black adders."

Even within the dream, I was analyzing it and sensing some significance.  The snakes, I knew, were phallic;  Blackadder was JS.  Yikes.  What's up with that?