Professional Urban Grrl's No-Sweat Triathalon

Sportswear: Black leggings, black wool tunic sweater, black ballet flats, teal double-breasted spring trench (Pool: black swimsuit, black swim cap, pink goggles)
Getting to the starting line:  Leave work in taxi with colleague for an in-transit meeting.


Start:  Union Station

1st Leg (Walk) - Walk and talk with colleague heading north on North Capitol Street, part company at H Street.  Hang a right.  Cross bridge over train tracks.  Admire spring day - low humidity, temperature in the low-seventies, late daylight (it's already six-thirty! and the light gives everything a spring-pink glow).  Arrive on the other side of tracks - H Street NE, the edgy in-neighborhood with bars, restaurants, and coffee shops, with a hip-hop-city-punk-funk vibe. Recall the previous evening in one such establishment with friends and drinks.  Make note to self to hang out there more, and check out some of the new places.

2nd Leg (Bike) - Grab a Capital Bikeshare bicycle.  Place black work bag on the front carrier, and secure with neato fitted bungee cord.  Unbutton trench coat for ease of moment, and for cool teal trailing effect while riding.  Board bike, and head south on 4th Street NE past lovely, historic, restored rowhouses.  Note buds on trees giving a light fuzzy green-  or sometimes rose-, colored  glow of their early leaves.  Note beautiful spring gardens in postage-stamp front yards - tulips, daffodils, and blazing yellow forsythia.  Zig-zag through the neighborhood streets towards Eastern Market - going past more lovely house, small city parks full of dogs, kids, and friendly neighbors cavorting in the early evening, brought together by their shared community and the pleasant spring evening.  Arrive at Eastern Market, and park bike in the CaBI bike dock.

Pit Stop -  Enter Marvelous Market for a bottle of water and pack of soy nuts.  Sit outside on the french cafe chairs.  Check iPhone for messages.  Greet and chat with neighbor MS.

3rd Leg (Swim) - Enter public pool facility, and change into swimwear.  Shower quickly, and enter pool for 30 minutes of laps.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Let head roll out its day.  Marvel in the head-clearing power of exercise.   Chat with lanemate about water temperature - a tad cooler than lately.  Exit pool, shower, change.

Homeward Bound - Grab a CaBi bike for the short ride to the next docking station.  Walk remaining three blocks.

Finish: Home. Greet Dear Daughter, read books, snuggle, and wish sweet dreams.

Spring training never felt so good.

Sex Bomb, Mom, and Senior Strategist

Work has been intense lately.  A good intense, I guess, as I'm working on stuff that really excites me.  But also draining.  I have very little energy left each day to write or laugh.  Or do other things that make me a healthy, happy me.  On days like this, I long for simplicity.  I long for an end to the requests and demands.  A day of quiet.  A day of solitude.  A day without worries.

I took a swim this morning, as part of the Sanity Plan.  I've had so little time for this critical activity that keeps my stress down, my thoughts worked through and put away.  It worked.  I left for work this morning with energy and sass.  I bounded up escalator steps.  What?!?!  Bounded?!?  Up??!?! The escalator?  To go to work?

My energy lasted until around noon, and then the day wore me down in the way it has these last few weeks.  By the end of the day, I was frayed.  Tightly wound.  Completely wrung-out.

And now, I'm still frayed.  And tired.  And not just physically tired.  Or mentally tired.  But tired of this stupid treadmill.  Burned out from the slog.  Tired, perhaps, of being all things to all people.  Sex Bomb, Mom & Senior Strategist.  Tired of taking care of everyone.  I try to take care of myself - and sometimes I succeed, but lately, it's been hard (Bummer, for real.  I was getting so good at it!)

And sometimes, I want someone else to take care of it all.  Or at least just share the load.  And every once in a while take care of me...."Honey, what do you need?"  Or better yet, "I did this for you."  And I want to cry (like I am now) and lean in, lean against him and just sob for a few minutes.  "I'm tired," I'd say.  "It's not that easy."

From my sub-conscious

Last night's dream involved a camping and barbecue party on a beach bluff with a summer cottage.  My dream boyfriend* was fishing for dinner from a nearby creek, and then prepared the whole fish beautifully with some seasoning for grilling, lovingly presenting it to me.  I smiled, touched by his generous efforts, but my softened heart also sunk for I knew something he did not know.  Amongst the many people in our group, my dream former boyfriend** was also there, and they were about to encounter each other.  We all did our best to act like nothing was up between or among any party in the love triangle, but everyone was extremely uncomfortable.

Alone, I skipped over some dunes to find a little beach cove, and saw a family of whales breaching in the open sea beyond. Later, I magically swam with two baby whales in the little intlet that opened out from our private beach. Back on the bluff, stars in the night sky, people had broken into small groups laughing and chatting in lowered voices  or lovers leaning one against the other whispering to each other and into the darkness.  I couldn't find dream boyfriend, and knew he had gone to heal himself.  Dream former boyfriend had left.  I felt both happy (content swimming and being outside on a beautiful evening, taking care of myself)  and horrible, because I knew I had contributed to hurt feelings and tension.  I knew, in fact, not only that dream former boyfriend would be there, but in fact, I had invited both men without sharing in advance what each was headed for.  The sub-conscious of my sub-conscious even knew that I had played the whole thing for my own ego, and to show each what he had or did not have.  I awoke from the dream feeling guilty, but aware, and knowing the way forward.

Later, I dozed again in the early hours of the morning, and fell back into the dream.  This time, I found dream boyfriend at his home, hurt and withdrawn.  I begged forgiveness, a genuine lump in my throat, tears in my eyes.  "I'm so sorry," I said, holding forth my arms for both comfort and forgiveness.  He hesitated, which I deserved, but then came towards me for which I was relieved and grateful, and knew I would not take for granted.  We kissed, and sighed.  I knew this is where I wanted to be.

* an amalgam of several men I've known and cared for
** no one I recognized

ETA - There were two parts of this dream that stood out for me.  First, the more obvious one of the relationship dynamics, my role in manipulating them, and the sincere realization, almost revelation, that that was not what I wanted to do.  The second very poignant element of the dream was the joy of being outside and keeping things in their most natural state - catching, seasoning and grilling fish, the bluff, the dunes, the screened in porch of a summer cottage, a light breeze, swimming alone in a small, private cove. Those things were especially vivid and salient, and brought me an almost extreme measure of contentment that very much carried throughout the dream.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Sigh.  I've worked long and hard to get here these last years...maybe not perfect happiness, but a sense of peace, contentment, acceptance, enjoyment, and appreciating the moment.  And I'm not sure that the state I'm in in a lasting one; in fact, I'm a bit nervous that it could go away at any moment.  And truthfully, I hate the whole polyanna principle -so annoying it makes me gag.  I enjoy - nay, cherish -  my edge, my skepticism, my cynical bite.  Thank god for those.  But here I am, as if a switch has flipped on, and I have found peace and contentment on more days than not.  I am satisfied.  I am grateful (not  "practicing gratefulness," just grateful to have such a cool life).  I accept the imperfections and the minor irritations, and don't try to wrangle them to submission anymore (perhaps this is my greatest revelation of late).

While it's been a long process, the turnaround seemed to happen as I headed into my 40th birthday - just feeling all-around good.  I remember being in Paris, and eating a salad from a cellophane container from a bakery, and stating it was the best salad I had ever had.  My friend looked at me skeptically.  But it was the moment, *that* moment, of eating a salad of beets and sweet corn with a dijon vinaigrette; sitting on the cool concrete staircase along the Seine (and because of those cool, concrete steps, I truly *felt* them in the moment); the gentle evening light as dusk approached; my last night in Paris after a very satisfying, fully-earned, long-anticipated vacation. The whole thing made that the best salad of my entire life.  Obviously, I'm not making that up, because it is over 2 months later, and I can relive the details while writing this.  I had other such moments during  my Paris trip - the best beer, the best cup of coffee, the best crepe au sucre.

And every once in a while, here, back in the grind, I have those moments again.  Wow, what a gorgeous evening on my porch, looking at the lush green grass (it looks especially green and unweed-y tonight), a child is laughing and a dog is barking, the weather is just perfect with a light breeze, and I am truly relaxed and happy.

I've had a long road since my separation from Dear-ex-Husband - just over four years now.  It was Hell.  My world turned upside down.  Everything felt so uncertain and shitty.  And everything was.  And instead of getting slowly better, as we separated in May 2006 and I re-found my temporary grounding (in fact I remember feeling pretty high on life a year later in 2007), it turned temporarily worse. Life took a steady, and seemingly unending nosedive later that fall, and into the next fall (2008) and winter (2009), and even some pretty endless annoyances as late as August and September 2009.  These years weren't years of complete darkness. In this time, I took a fabulous trip to China, and had many cherished experiences and moments.  But the overall was a total slog, and completely uphill exhausting.   And then - slowly, but also at a relatively identifiable time in retrospect (maybe it was November 2009, maybe February 2010) -  it all eased.  And clear river currents began to flow again.

I have put conscious inputs to this happiness.  First, I identified what made me happy and vowed to do more - cooking, swimming, going to All Souls Church.  At some point, I calculated I was doing 3-5 hours per week of tasks solely related to actively  investing in my well-being (1 hour of swimming, 1 hour of church, 1 hour of counseling/therapy, a 45-min meditation CD that was regular company in September 2008).  I felt good during and after each, but wondered aloud when it would actually kick-in long-term.  I mean, 4+ hours of dedicated "me" time for inner restoration seemed almost excessive to me.  It wasn't like the rest of my life- hours were all slog.  I went to to movies, met friends, took hikes, read books to my daughter, had some steamy make-out sessions.

I still wonder what the hell is next.  I still find that my job can suck the life out of me some days. I can be racked by stress.  But here it is, and here I am.  I'm not expecting a perma-state of contentment, but I do seem to have some lasting coping skills, and new perspective, that I hope to drawn upon forever after -when I need it and also when I don't.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...

Since the beginning of the year I have been swimming. Remarkably, it is something that I have stuck to to great effect (and my great amazement).

First, I should note that I *hate* exercising, I loathe gyms, and I can't play many sports.  I like to walk, dance (a dance class is great!), practice yoga, cycle here and there, hike/walk in the woods, and swim.  In general, I'd like to think my physical activity is integrated to my life, but not sure if that would pass muster.

So, at the beginning of the year, full of stress and anxiety, and with a very short fuse, I knew something had to give, and I probably needed to work through it with exercise.  It was so bad, I almost joined a gym, but knew myself well enough to know that I would ultimately fail at that, and not only fail for not working out regularly enough, with "adequate" intensity or frequency, but also because I was just wasting my money.  A double whammy, and certain to just demoralize me further.  Biking?  Not sure I'd actually get the bike out of the shed often enough.  And dance classes were just too confining with a specific class on a specific day at a specific hour.  A no-go.  I even thought of taking up running  - clearly, I was desperate. 

I realized that there was a renovated public pool in my neighborhood - totally free to DC residents.  I wouldn't be wasting money, but actually being virtuous anytime I'd go.  Plus I couldn't fail at *not*spending money should I not work out.  As mentioned, it's sticking, and here's why I think so: