The Poor Philanthropist

Today'sWaPo had a good Fact Checker blog post about Obama's charitable giving.  Apparently, at the recent Conservative PAC conference (excuse me...hairball), one pol full of hot air chastised Obama for giving less than 1% of his income to charity.  Fact Checker noted that Obama's giving was indeed rather low as a proportion of his income in 2002 through 2004 before he became a Senator, and took on running for President.  Back then, when his income hovered around mid-200K, he was giving 0.5% to 2% of income to charity.  In more recent years, with income over the $1m mark, his total giving and giving as a proportion of income increased dramatically - well above 9%. Factchecker takeaway: conservative pol mischaracterized Obama's giving, and was not accurate to date

My takeaway: At any wealth point, we must all be philanthropists. And by the way, isn't the idea of being a philanthropist so much more appealing and empowering than charitable giving?  Perhaps it's because I work in a non-profit that I see how much those donations matter.  However, more importantly,  I am a philanthropist because I place great value on many things that don't create a profit margin  - art, my reproductive freedom, high-quality news reporting, my kid's school experience, my spiritual home.  While these things cost money to create, protect, and provide, they don't readily lend themselves to free market pricing.  So I make it a point to not take any of them for granted, place some monetary value on these priceless things, and then give generously to them.

In my annual personal financial audit for 2011, I made good financial progress.  Last year's goal was stability, and I am more or less there.   Last year, that meant my financial housekeeping included virtually eliminating all debt; establishing legal and financial safeguards for Dear Daughter; and creating and enacting some spending controls.  This year's goal is maintaining that stability, and achieving better financial security. That will mean more of the same (I haven't mastered it all), plus socking more money away to create greater margin for error (well, life's financial vicissitudes).

All the while, I'm far from frugal, and sometimes I'm downright lavish even when my money house isn't fully in order.  I like nice clothes, pedicures, a good haircut, a regular vacation, and going out for a good time.  Sometimes I like all this when I should really be liking a college savings account, a brown bag lunch or a practical pair of snow boots.  (Boring.)

But I digress.  Even amidst managing my personal spending and my personal financial goals, I make sure to exercise my personal philanthropy.  Last year, I gave 2.5% of my income to charity (the average American gives 1.4%, making me above average, of course :-).  In my audit, I calculated that about half went to Dear Daughter's school and All Souls Church.  I gave another 30% to causes near and dear to my heart - reproductive rights and health services (NARAL and Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington), and donating to my line of work in global health and development.  The final 20% went to other organizations of personal importance or connection - like the finding a cure and remembering my late niece with the Brain Tumor Society; my morning listening pleasure with NPR; and supporting my younger cousin traveling to the national finals with the West Forsyth High School Equestrian Team.

In 2012, I hope to give just a little bit more.  My goal is 3% of income going to my philanthropy goals.  It will be a stretch; I believe it should be.  I could just as well spend this significant sum money on a nice vacation.  But then I wouldn't be putting my money behind all that matters to me.  Besides it would be horrible if we lost access to high-quality, comprehensive, women's healthcare or the community arts workshop closed its doors while I was sitting on the beach in Jamaica.

London!

I'm very much looking forward to having Dear Daughter join me on my upcoming business trip to London at the end of the month.  The trip has been on the work radar for a while.  At one point, it included Paris, but that became too complicated and expensive.  Only recently, did Dearest Mommy aka Grandma decide to join us, making it actually feasible to both work and sightsee, and extending the 3 days of business meetings into a 6-day working holiday.

And what a pleasure it's been to read the guidebooks and children's literature accounts of London, and hitting YouTube and the Mary Poppins DVD for more inspiration.  I'm so psyched she'll get to see some of my favorites - the Tate Modern (and the entire funky Southbank), Big Ben (and the princely Houses of Parliament and Westminster), Mayfair's staid offices (and my falafel and fresh juice lunch shop), the thrilling, one-of-a-kind, London Eye (that pretty much triggers an anxiety attack in me that I must actively manage with deep breathing. But, whatever, SO worth it).  We'll make it to the Globe Theatre (or else I'll never get the free pass from the Shakespeare-obsesses teacher for the days out of school), and other London icons like St.Paul's Cathedral and the Tower of London.  At some point we'll pass through the dreaded Picadilly Circus and Covent Garden going from somewhere and to somewhere.  We'll breeze throughTrafalgar Square, because its lovely St. Martin-in-the-Fields hosts daily free concerts, and is the architectural model for our beloved home church, All Souls.

No trip is complete for me without the food teasers. I was delighted to see today's New York Times article by my crush Mark Bittman, "In London, Flavors of India without the Fuss."   Such a difficult choice among four delectable restaurant descriptions.  I was first tempted by the 70's decor and the incredible descriptions of dishes at Cafe Spice Namaste.  I was also momentarily seduced by Sitaaray, and its Bollywood theme (this and other pictures at the NYTimes slide show).  But, we have decided quite happily to check out Chor Bizarre in Mayfair, just a few blocks from our London offices.  I like its irreverent and self-depracating allusions to pick-pockets and pawn shops, it's cheesy antiques decor, and its Delhi-London pedigree.  The black lentil daal sounds amazing, as does the Bhagare Baingan - see full mouth-watering menu here.  

I'm so excited to speak British English - I'm teaching Dear Daughter to say 'loo,' 'lift,' and 'lorry' - and to travel by tube, taxi, and doubledecker bus.  It's all such a grand adventure isn't it?

Simple. Beautiful. True.

If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.


If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.


If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.


If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.


If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.


-Lao Tse

Friends, family, love, hugs

This weekend, I've been blessed with wonderful friends and family surrounded by love.  It's felt so marvelous.  No special occasion, no special efforts just beautifulness.  Some highlights...

• A long, lazy Saturday morning with Dear Daughter.  We are reveling in each other lately.
• Saturday evening with my sister and family - hanging out with nachos and talking about nothing in particular.  The kids, her husband, sis, and me - floating in and out seamlessly - just family ease and love.
• Sunday morning at All Souls Church - a big (first) hug from Rev. Rob Hardies, with a nice 'mwah' to accompany it.  A beautiful soprano voice fills the silence of the sanctuary with "We Shall Overcome."  
• Sunday brunch with my first new, real friend in years.  M is also a single mom, doing 90% of the parenting.  She's also urban, professional, accomplished and stylish.  It's nice to have a new friend with so much in common.
• Sunday "quiet time" with a book and a computer.
• Giving flowers to our au pair to celebrate her 1-year anniversary in our home and family. It feels good to give and to make others feel good. 
• An evening with K&J - dear longtime friends who excude warmth, welcome and goodness.  A delicious dinner.

Today is reserved for nothing in particular - some cooking, some relaxing, reading, and perhaps some games.  I could not be more content.

Reflections

This week at All Souls Church, there was a short reflection on the sermon, Gift, Grace, and Letting Go. in which the speaker talked about the change of seasons, and how just as the leaves fall from trees, so to must we let go of that which has served its purpose.  The sentiment hit home, deep within my core, and I immediately embraced it.  Now, perhaps Hiking Viking or Vegitect might understand its resonance, and internalize it with some bittersweet sentiment.  And if so, he would be right to be so self-centered, I did go there...With the falling of the leaves...

But also, it is a metaphor for so much - almost every thing in our lives which has served its value and given its gift must be surrendered to realize its full grace.

Tonight, I had drinks with M, my colleague from work whom I've written about here before.  M is my colleague, my friend, and warm, loved, character from my dreams underwritten by a score of sexual tension.  M is in his last week at the office before he begins his new job at a private investment fund.

His departure has truly shaken me.  Since he started with us almost four years ago, M has transformed our little non-profit, loosey-goosey shop to a serious operation.  Mostly through his talents for accounting, budgets, systems, and operations, he built a framework for planning, policies, and finance.  It was always good knowing that M was around - he inspired my trust and my confidence, and that was always a relief.  He unburdoned so much, and that was truly a gift.  But he gave many others.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Sigh.  I've worked long and hard to get here these last years...maybe not perfect happiness, but a sense of peace, contentment, acceptance, enjoyment, and appreciating the moment.  And I'm not sure that the state I'm in in a lasting one; in fact, I'm a bit nervous that it could go away at any moment.  And truthfully, I hate the whole polyanna principle -so annoying it makes me gag.  I enjoy - nay, cherish -  my edge, my skepticism, my cynical bite.  Thank god for those.  But here I am, as if a switch has flipped on, and I have found peace and contentment on more days than not.  I am satisfied.  I am grateful (not  "practicing gratefulness," just grateful to have such a cool life).  I accept the imperfections and the minor irritations, and don't try to wrangle them to submission anymore (perhaps this is my greatest revelation of late).

While it's been a long process, the turnaround seemed to happen as I headed into my 40th birthday - just feeling all-around good.  I remember being in Paris, and eating a salad from a cellophane container from a bakery, and stating it was the best salad I had ever had.  My friend looked at me skeptically.  But it was the moment, *that* moment, of eating a salad of beets and sweet corn with a dijon vinaigrette; sitting on the cool concrete staircase along the Seine (and because of those cool, concrete steps, I truly *felt* them in the moment); the gentle evening light as dusk approached; my last night in Paris after a very satisfying, fully-earned, long-anticipated vacation. The whole thing made that the best salad of my entire life.  Obviously, I'm not making that up, because it is over 2 months later, and I can relive the details while writing this.  I had other such moments during  my Paris trip - the best beer, the best cup of coffee, the best crepe au sucre.

And every once in a while, here, back in the grind, I have those moments again.  Wow, what a gorgeous evening on my porch, looking at the lush green grass (it looks especially green and unweed-y tonight), a child is laughing and a dog is barking, the weather is just perfect with a light breeze, and I am truly relaxed and happy.

I've had a long road since my separation from Dear-ex-Husband - just over four years now.  It was Hell.  My world turned upside down.  Everything felt so uncertain and shitty.  And everything was.  And instead of getting slowly better, as we separated in May 2006 and I re-found my temporary grounding (in fact I remember feeling pretty high on life a year later in 2007), it turned temporarily worse. Life took a steady, and seemingly unending nosedive later that fall, and into the next fall (2008) and winter (2009), and even some pretty endless annoyances as late as August and September 2009.  These years weren't years of complete darkness. In this time, I took a fabulous trip to China, and had many cherished experiences and moments.  But the overall was a total slog, and completely uphill exhausting.   And then - slowly, but also at a relatively identifiable time in retrospect (maybe it was November 2009, maybe February 2010) -  it all eased.  And clear river currents began to flow again.

I have put conscious inputs to this happiness.  First, I identified what made me happy and vowed to do more - cooking, swimming, going to All Souls Church.  At some point, I calculated I was doing 3-5 hours per week of tasks solely related to actively  investing in my well-being (1 hour of swimming, 1 hour of church, 1 hour of counseling/therapy, a 45-min meditation CD that was regular company in September 2008).  I felt good during and after each, but wondered aloud when it would actually kick-in long-term.  I mean, 4+ hours of dedicated "me" time for inner restoration seemed almost excessive to me.  It wasn't like the rest of my life- hours were all slog.  I went to to movies, met friends, took hikes, read books to my daughter, had some steamy make-out sessions.

I still wonder what the hell is next.  I still find that my job can suck the life out of me some days. I can be racked by stress.  But here it is, and here I am.  I'm not expecting a perma-state of contentment, but I do seem to have some lasting coping skills, and new perspective, that I hope to drawn upon forever after -when I need it and also when I don't.

Stand on the Side of Love (5)

Today a historic wedding took place at All Souls Church!

Prayer for Haiti (and for us all) from Rev. Rob Hardies, All Souls Church

I was so moved a few weeks ago, I asked Rob to send me this prayer he said at the January 17 service at All Souls Church.  Here it is...

Dear God, in times likes these many of us are tempted to ask: Where are you?

Filled with despair, some understandably believe that you have abandoned your people. Others, cruelly, suggest that the earthquake is a manifestation of your wrath. A punishment for your people.

But God, here’s what I believe. I believe that you accompany us in our sorrow and in our suffering. I believe that you are the spirit that sings compassion in our hearts. You are the fount of our resilience, the hand on our shoulder. You are shovel against rock. You are the light that finds us in the rubble. And, when we breathe our last, I believe that you are our final home.

I don’t know any of this for sure. But it is what my spiritual ancestors have taught me, and it is what I’ve experienced in those precious moments when I’ve felt closest to you. So it is my faith.

Dear God, help us in our belief and our unbelief. Help us in our faith and our doubt. Help us in times of struggle and devastation. Times like now. We ask that you help especially the people of Haiti in this, their time of trial, and people all over the world who are touched by this tragedy, including the people in this very sanctuary. God, be with us always. Amen.

Haiti - no words

I have no words to describe this disaster or my own emotional response to it.  I'm also working on this at work a bit, so I have almost nothing left in terms of verbal, physical, writing energy to devote more.  Once again, I'll just punt to All Souls Church because they say it well, and somehow get the
spiritual/emotional/action balance just right.

Stand on the Side of Love (3)

Woo hoo!

Dear Friends,

I've just been informed that the Mayor has chosen All Souls Church as the venue for tomorrow's signing of DC's Marriage Equality Bill.  It is both an honor and a privilege for our church to host such an historic event, and it is testament to the hard work that so many in our congregation have devoted to the passage of this bill.

The bill signing is open to the public, so you are all welcome to attend.  It will take place at 10:45 am in the Sanctuary.

In fact, we invite you to come early, put on a "Standing on the Side of Love" t-shirt, and proudly welcome people to your church.

Love,
ROB

Stand on the Side of Love (2)

I could post the news link from the Washington Post, but it is more meaningful to me to share this from the point of view of my church, All Souls Unitarian, and its amazing pastor, Rev. Rob Hardies.

Dear Friends, Just moments ago, the DC Council took an historic stand for love. By an 11-2 margin, Council Members voted to legalize marriage for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender citizens. Marriage equality is coming to the nation's capital! It was thrilling to be present in the Council chambers as history was being made. When the vote was announced, people shouted and wept for joy. Friends, this is what it feels like to stand on the side of love. I am so heartened by the role our congregation has played in this important human rights struggle. All Souls members and ministers took a leading role in founding a coalition of nearly 200 DC clergy who supported the bill. We contributed money, marched on the Mall, called our Council Members, and talked with our neighbors. We helped change hearts and minds. And not only have we secured passage of the bill, we have changed the national debate on marriage equality. We've shown that this issue can unite communities rather than divide them. People of all ages, races, creeds and cultures can stand together on the side of love. I want to thank all of you for helping make this day possible. Of course, the struggle for marriage equality in DC is not over yet. After Mayor Adrian Fenty signs the bill, the United States Congress has 30 legislative days to veto it. We hope that Congress will respect the sovereignty of the elected leaders of the District of Columbia and allow this bill to become law. When it does, then we will know the real reason we've labored so hard. Then, every loving couple in our congregation will be equal not only in God's eyes, but in the eyes of the state. Thank you again. Love, ROB