I'm struggling these days, weeks, months to keep my perspective. For whatever reasons, it feels like the wind in my sails has died, and I am dealing with all sorts of self-doubt, second guessing, and a massive crisis of confidence. I'm not sure exactly where I left my mojo, or who took it from me. But I do know that I was in a much better place 6 months ago. I know I am the same person, living the same beautiful life, in the same enviable circumstance. I'm not ungrateful, far from it, in fact. And yet, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am less. Sometimes it feels like loss. Sometimes it feels like disappointment. Sometimes it's a feeling of being overwhelmed by my current circumstances, while underwhelmed by the alternative. My inner peace suffers discontent. My creative spark is gone; and my energy is zapped; my optimism is crowded out by resignation; my passion, by apathy.
There are many things that lead me to believe that this is a temporary condition. I have my faith that this, too, shall pass. I'm aware that in some ways my time feels so dreadfully slow and stagnant, but so much happens over the course of a day, a week, a month, a year that I both don't see the progress, or recognize the inflection points until they become retrospective. I know that a good swim can clear my head in 20 minutes (though these 20 minutes are few and farther between these days. I know that my church can fill my soul with exuberant joy, profound peace, and deep aches simultaneously in the best of all possible ways. I know the best thing for me would be to let go, and let it be. That my self-loving voice will serve me better than my self-critical one, but that ironically, that self-love must includes self-acceptance that embraces that inner critic. I know that happiness is a practice.
But for now, all that shit is not kicking in and here I am...struggling...
