Why I'm single...

Because I want to be.  Because it would take a a VERY special person to make it worth not being single.

Because I'm busy and full.  I love my work, and I work hard at it, it's demanding, and that's OK. I have friends and fun and family, and they all fill me up.

Because I'm a mom.  She gives me lots of meaning.  Not all meaning, of course.  I have little privacy.  And very little room to take care of me, which I do when I can, and that's always primordial and lovely.

Because I'm strong and independent.  I like being a free agent. I sometimes can't imagine the space to cultivate and tend a relationship. I've struggled with the idea of "reporting" and being accountable to someone else.

Because I focused on men for too long.  This seems ridiculous to me right now.  But ok, no beating myself up and no regrets. I'm on a journey. It's a beautiful one.

Because I'm ok with vulnerability, but not very good at it.

Old Boyfriend Tour

Yesterday morning, I had to drive from someplace to somewhere on I-495 - the 10-lane ring road that surrounds Washington, DC and connects its first-tier suburbs. As I whizzed passed the exits - Takoma Park...Silver Spring...Kensington...Bethesda - at nearly 80 mph, I thought of the once-boyfriend who lived there.  Our good times and our endings flashed through my mind; some sour feelings, but mostly warm ones washed over me.

And then a nerdy, bad pun entered my head, and the Old Boyfriend Tour screeched to a halt with a groan..."Notches in my Beltway"

You know it's a bad date when...

...when he keeps twisting your words to prove his belief that women are bitches
...when you begin to wish you followed him to the bar to order the drinks, in case he slipped in a "roofie"
...when you realize that it is time to clearly, definitively, and immediately extract yourself, and are scheming how to do so without pissing him off
...when you begin to go over the information you shared to figure out if it is enough for him to find you at work or home
...when you look over your shoulder constantly all the way to the metro to make sure he's not following you
...when you leave a voicemail and email yourself with the details of what you know about him, where you met, and what you experienced to help out the investigation just in case you end up dead somewhere
...when you get home you double lock the door, and set the alarm

Yikes, that was freaky!

I [HEART] Nick Galifianakis

Nick Galifianakis is the marvelous, wry illustrator whose work accompanies Carolyn Hax's sage, sound advice everyday in the Washington Post.  He has just published a new book of cartoons, If You Loved Me You'd Think This Was Cute: Uncomfortably True Cartoons About You.

I'm not laughing at me, I'm laughing with me.... 

Drying out - Day 17; 14 to go

The insights on not drinking remain small - not nearly as profound as I had imagined.

I continue to be tempted - really tempted - in certain situations with certain triggers. Like the time I went out for a really nice work dinner at Darlington House - the lovely Victorian rowhouse, our table next to the fireplace, and thoughtful fine food demanded a glass of fine wine; but also the long day at work that was continuing with this networking dinner meant I had to be 'ON' after 6pm, and would have been nicely smoothed out by a glass of vino.  Or the time I hung out with sis and family starting in the afternoon through easy supper, and wanted a cool beer to add to the casual family day, football in the background.  But once again, each time was pretty easily managed.

I feel clearer and more free - like my head is unclouded.  But there is no way, I drink near enough or often enough to be going through my regular life in an alcohol-induced fog, so I'm not sure I can attribute this clarity to not drinking.

Nonetheless, it does feel like my life is simpler - and that also means nicer - without alcohol...and without dating. And that scares and saddens me because I hope one day to have the pleasure of both a glass of good wine and a good man back in my life.

2010: Year in Review, Part 3 Dear Daughter and other Loved Ones

Dear Daughter Seriously, I sometimes think I think my wonderful, thoughtful, giving, deeply insightful, kind, innocent six year-old daughter doesn't deserves a mother as flawed as I am.  I am in awe of her miraculousness.  I'm not the most maternal of women.  I would not be mistaken for a martyr.  I do not have infinite patience, endless capacity (or even desire), to nurture, boundless energy, and constant cheer.  I savor and pursue my adult life, sometimes at her expense.  I'm far from a helicopter mom or even a doting one.  My fuse can be short; my attention divided.  I sometimes half-jokingly refer to my mothering as "benevolent neglect" - that I hope will foster independence, scrappiness, and a provide a good adult women role model.  Despite my "bad mom" persona, I do make sure she always knows she is loved, safe, and secure. So far, so good...knock wood.

Quite honestly - between you and me -

2010: Year in Review, Part 2 - Men, Love , Sex and Ex

Life's Big Buckets in 2010, part 2 of three - This part is a Biggie - bigger than it should be, I'd think.  But what is Life without  Love?

Men, Sex, and Love - Or some combination thereof...sometimes.  The biggest trial of all.  As usual.  My half-full glass and pragmatic romantic view prevails.  It was a good year.  There was progress, there were setbacks; but more progress than setbacks.

As we entered 2010, I was enjoying a romantic interlude with Hiking Viking.  We seemed to be navigating our complexities and individual needs, desires, and directions well.  We were even growing closer and more emotionally intimate with whispers of sweet nothings and love.  Perhaps this was the harbinger - we really didn't belong in that territory, as lovely as it was - because CRASH!- BANG! -BOOM! we had some deep uglies suddenly and immediately afterward.  Uglies that left me reeling and confused, though in hindsight, it was more likely a necessary course correction.  We managed a bit more in a gentle, kind, supportive friendship - two people who seemed to get each other...with benefits.  But nice, and even right, as this was, it was  not safe or comfortable territory for me.  I tried to feel my way around this zone...but CRASH! BANG!  BOOM! in one of these (perhaps misguided)  conversations, I encountered anger, blame, vitriol - hurling accusations and spewing resentment - and our friendship was mutually declared over.  I have never in my life declared a friendship over - I've grown apart (sometimes intentionally); I've created space;  I've lost time and priority in friendships that had mutually served its purpose.  But I have never actively severed a friendship.  It left me reeling and destabilized again.  Another area, as the year closes, where I have found myself destabilized and second-guessing myself, and my mojo shaken.  Enough bandwidth...onward and upward.

Vegitect is a big character in this year's screen play.  Springtime, and all is possible.  New, green design gigs and newfound legs underneath himself made him ripe for romance when we met.  Here is an awesome man....witty, sexy, creative, handsome, and international.  :-) We found ourselves and each other in shared a passion for creativity in its infinite forms, and in our individual resilience always manifesting from the core.  Our compatibility and chemistry was notable.  I sometimes long for the promise of April - venturing to Paris with friends, and getting sweet, funny international text messages on l'autobus and brilliant sketched postcards for my birthday. But I feared... no, I knew... that he was not ready for involvement, and I told him as much, while I carefully skirted emotional attachment. Hell, I was so fuckin' prescient, I even wrote into My Main Gal Hax about the issue on an online discussions in June, that was later published in the Washington Post in September.  And prescient indeed... timing and time is important.  And as time passed, the messiness and acrimony of his divorce became more apparent, and the reality of throwing his dreams, drive and financial stake into a start-up in a crap economy became all-consuming.  It was a shit-storm in which I could not get sucked into the vortex, nor toss the life ring from the edge.  I have had my own shit-storm, and as recently emergent, I can say that life's personal shit-storms are best weathered independently.  But here and now, Dear Vegitect, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wit; your bizarre and endearing sense of irony; for sitting on my porch on early summer evenings talking with a bottle of chilled Spanish Cava or with sparklers in hand; for your photos, sketches, and sexy texts; for a well-planned mystery picnic; for teaching me the secrets of a perfectly fragrant and delicious daal; for the flowers; and for your continued friendship.  XO.

And while a few other minor characters made cameo appearances as love interests - one in particular that was not to be - it was a most of all a year of love and learning. And my learning has essentially led me to believe that it is timing that is mostly determinant, and that it takes time to see if love will stick among the competing vicissitudes.  And for the moment, I'm taking a chosen break, but surely not forever.

Irony  This was the year that I learned that Dear ex-Husband re-married.  I learned it on Facebook.  Two years after the fact.  This may well be my most mortifying and humbling moment.  I was enraged!  Anger and fury that I rarely feel, let alone express...but I did both to the fullest.  It felt amazing. But I know the source of my anger is also my disappointment, my sense of betrayal, and my sadness.  He and his wife are now expecting a baby any week now. And Dear Daughter suffers at the hands of an evil stepmother - it is not a cliche; she is a character study of immaturity, insecurity and passive-aggression. And Dear ex-Husband continues to make bad decisions that only spiral him downward, and his charm cannot save him anymore.  And the only good thing to come out of all his 2010 shenanigans is that I am freed of the horrible guilt and self-flaggelation for our failed marriage that I inflicted upon myself daily .    Did I make mistakes?  Yes.  Will I do things differently with my next partner/husband from the insight I have gained into (un)healthy, (dys)functional love and partnership?  Indeed, I fervently hope so.   Do I share the responsibility for our failure?  I do.  But I no longer blame myself.  There is nothing I could have done differently to save our marriage - as much as I tried and wished.  His latest antics are only proof that he could not and did not show up.  Not for me, and sadly, these days I worry, not even for himself.  And with all his hooey, I'm clearly, markedly, definitively better off without him.

2010: Year in Review, Part 1 - Work and Wealth

Overall, I'd declare this year Good overall, but most notably a year of Improvement and Progress.  :-)  For once, "most improved"doesn't feel like a consolation prize, but a hard-won, much-cherished feat.  The series of tragedies and bad news of years past have ebbed.  It was a welcome reprieve, and interestingly I noticed and appreciated the absence of constant losses and unheavals.  How often do we notice and appreciate that "nothing bad is happening" and therefore I am grateful?  Of course, I am grateful for the many good fortunes in my life this past year, and humbled by the setbacks.  Rather than a chronological review, this year I will examine Life's Big Buckets, and how each one fared.  This is a blog post in three parts (and some parts are a work in progress, as I continue to edit bit by bit).

Work - My job is demanding and stressful. At times, it can totally suck the life out of me.  For the better part of this year however, it sustained me and fulfilled me.  My boss, our CEO, announced her planned departure for early 2011, and this had some wonderful outcomes.  It was a great relief to know that a huge stressing, anxiety-producer will be releasing its grip.  Also, perhaps her own knowledge of her transition took some burden off her as well, because our relationship eased and became more trusting and respectful (for the most part).  Also, my ego was boosted, as both several members of our board and our funders saw me as a viable candidate to take on her role....but I am both smart and sane, and announced I would not be applying.  It was terrific to have the best of all worlds - good enough to do it, smart enough not to!

Mommy Dearest

I'm tired and grumpy today after a night of little sleep.  I tossed and turned, and worried about the CEO search at work and how it will all affect me; the state of merger negotiations and if there's still hope; the irksome ambiguities of my dating screen; vacillating on whether I'm bullish or bearish on my retirement fund; concerned about my body and health deteriorating -  my metabolism screeching to a halt and my reading eyes going blind starting the day I hit 40.  Oh me, oh my...to just have certainty about the future.  I know, I know....HA!  At most, I can have comfort that it will all be OK - which I generally do, but last night it decided to take the slippery slope downward.

So I took my exhaustion and uncertainty out on my daughter this morning.  As she readied for school, excited about her day, we just - as mother and daughters do - pushed each others' buttons.  It started with excess conditioner in her hair, discovered only after she was fully dressed, and me trying to rinse/comb it out without her getting back into the shower.  Which led to a wet dress, and a wet floor, and wet towels, and painfully combing through tangles.  Which led to tears (hers) and impatience (mine) and whines (hers) and yelling (mine).  And drama, that included stomping (hers) and slammed doors (hers) and cursing (mine - aloud, but to myself, if it makes a wee bit of difference in your opinion of me, dear reader).  And more crying and yelling (hers and mine respectively).

And her cries and whines were amplified in my tired and impatient brain, reverberating like a huge train barreling through my bedroom or an airplane taking off on my roof.  Just unbearable head noise that I just desperately wanted to end right at that very second.   I can handle a conversation, maybe even a negotiation - but not this screaming dear animal child!  And if it also makes a wee difference, dear reader, at one point she is sobbing and crying to me, but looking at her reflection in the mirror.  Which led to me getting even more exasperated, because I am watching my 6-year old Drama Queen audition for her Little Orphan Annie role.  Which led to realizing - thank god - that my patience had run its course, and my temper was taking over.  Which led to a time out (mine...yes, mine).  

And when it was all over, and we were sitting there amidst wet towels late for school and work, there were hugs and apologies (mine and hers, but mostly mine).  And I feel like a horrible ogre.  And I feel guilty.  And I feel like the Worst Mom Ever.  And I am embarrassed and ashamed that I do not have more patience and calm in me, especially with my dear child, who is wonderful and still innocent, and tremendously unblemished.  And I'm still sad and upset that I am not a better mom and a better person.

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs...

I saw it coming.  As we walked and paused to admire some funky pumpkins, he leaned into me.  A few moments later, he touched my arm, and I (against my better judgment, but following the stage directions) let my fingers graze his elbow.   A pregnant pause.  "Here it comes," I thought.  His thin fish lips came toward me in a grotesque twisty pucker, and landed on my mouth which knew the drill and went into the pucker reflex.  It was short and tepid, kind of like kissing a frog.   I withdrew, smiled, and said, "Thank you for a lovely dinner.  I had a nice time."  "Hello, I must be going," my sub-conscious screamed with alarm.

A first (and last) kiss.  Sigh.  More adventures in dating...and yes, I did extract myself - as directly and kindly, as possible -  the following day.

I [HEART] Carolyn Hax (on casual dating)

Carolyn Hax is so wise....I really enjoyed this particular column because of the way the writer expressed his feelings about his girlfriend (fair enough, and quite clear); the way Hax talked about how to navigate that line and the premise it's built upon; and because I'm casually dating (or trying to anyway).

Some excerpts are below....and the full link to the column ("He's not that into her; how clear should he make that?") is here.

Dear Carolyn:  I am having fun with my girlfriend but am well aware she's not marriage material for me. She says she is fine with dating casually for now. I know girls sometimes say this and don't mean it, so what's my responsibility here? To keep reminding her that it's not headed anywhere? That seems like such a buzzkill.  Anonymous

Why is she good enough to date but not good enough to marry?  Carolyn:

She's just . . .

What's left unsaid.

Louise filled the coffee pot with water, and measured out the coffee. One...two...three...she wasn't really counting; she stopped when it looked like enough. The empty wine bottle was on the counter from the night before. Recycle. There, the testament to the night was gone from their vision. "It's going to be a hot one. Ninety-five degrees." She turned toward the fridge, opened it up, and stared inside. "Do you want jam on your toast? I have blackberry." She closed the fridge again. Louise turned back toward the sink. She busied herself washing out the pan - running the water, watching the suds bubble over the rim, scrubbing the tiny black fleck of cooked-on dirt barely the size of her pinky nail with a green scouring pad. He looked on. "He must think I'm really diligent about pot-washing," she thought. She looked up at him, smiled, and looked away. "Do you know this song?  My sister loves it."  \She tried looking up again, and this time held his gaze for a moment longer. "I might go get a new filter for my a/c today.  \I don't know when the last time I replaced it was," she said, as if this were actually an interesting prospect for the day. "Coffee's ready. Do you take milk?," she said busying herself once again with two mugs, and two spoons, and the re-arranging of the fridge shelf to reach the milk. Her fingers touched his when she handed him the warm mug. They both lingered for a second, and then moved on.

The music on the stereo turned to something uptempo, a little too much for a lazy, unscripted morning.   She winced to herself.   She hadn't liked the silence either; she felt like she had to fill it.  But the music felt off, too - the wrong mood.  She wondered what the right mood music would be for the morning after.   Louise's thoughts resounded through her head like in a vast echo chamber. They were small, random, and probably inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but they took up a lot of space, and they were hard to dodge.  Like a hundred superballs in a racquetball court.  They were loud and active - searching for an escape route.  But she had sealed off all openings, and held them in check.  Her thoughts clashed anyway, each one in direct conflict to the other.  They ricocheted off the walls in her head - and collided with each other with bounces and rebounds.  What was the point of letting any one of them out if the next one would contradict it anyway?

Match.com

Here's another doozy...wonder why he's never been married?

1. He likes his women locked up (and probably knocked up)

To get started, I was not married, but grew up in a household with strong family values and believe that women and children must be protected.

2. He values long-term thinking, a broad location, and is not sure if hanging onesef is part of a healthy or unhealthy lifestyle

Marriage has always been interest, but unfortunately I have not found the right person as chemistry, and long-term thinking is very important. My interests - a broad location and living a healthy lifestyle, eating well, not smoking and hanged himself, to stay in good physical condition. 

3. His cave only sleeps one.

I am - an early riser and like to spend time in my cabin in the woods, hunting, archery and other outdoor activities. 

4. He's right about women being complicated, but even so, it seems he might find an ATM machine complicated, too.

I feel that women are very complicated, so my partner has to share her thoughts and feelings with me in a positive way, since open communication is the most important. 

5. Overlooking the omitted words "looking for," and just noting that seeking someone who is conscious is a good starting point.

I'm loyal woman with a big smile, who cares, happy, humorous, reliable, honest, conscious health and physically fit. 

6. What?!?!

Just as important, my partner should be proud of themselves and the environment itself is sufficient, not necessarily financially, but there may be a passion in life, which is only for her. 

7. Is he looking for a person or a thing?

Additionally, it should be adventurous, to enjoy the outdoors and nature as well as graceful at lunch and evening on the town. It should be comfortable with living country and is not afraid to offer his hand, but still would enjoy the culture of the city. 

 Ok, since I want to be a nice, kind person, and not feel so mean and judgmental, he gets bonus points for open-mindedness.  And I'd like to believe there's someone out there for everyone, so I hope he finds her.

While I have a stable understanding of what intrigue me about the woman, I am open to discovering a new and mutual interests.

Match.com

Oh dear. This potential suitor just "winked" at me. Here are some lowlights from his profile.

I am hard working and determined, I have great Morales guided by the Lord. I am a very easy going, fun-loving person! I enjoy meeting new people...I am non-judge-mental, but I can't deal with negative, rude and drama llamas....

and it continues...

I'd like to meet a very special woman who should be cute or charming if possible. She must be very disciplined and understanding, romantic and very down to earth. I'd love it if she could be compatible with me with if not all but most of the things we share in common. I am no particular about color. She must be very tight, friendly and must have a face the melts a hardened hearth. ... If this is You... Are you ready?

Wow, Great Morales? and Non-judge-mental? Looking to meet a very special women (no drama llamas need apply) who should be cute and charming if possible? Oh, and also very tight?

Well, if I don't laugh I'll cry, so I laughed so hard I snorted with tears running down my face. Thank god I wasn't drinking a coke or it would have come out of my nose!!

I am so mean. Dating sucks.

Match.com

Another doozy *introductory* email from a potential Match suitor...

I am a Godfearing,Hardworking,sincere, honest, sensuous, sensitive faithful and passionate man! An American, black hair and black eyes! People who knows me say that I look much younger than my age! I want a future relationship with a woman who is sincere and has very strong values about honesty, truthfulness, faithfulness and is very passionate about life and love! she has to have a very strong urge for a very passionate sexual life with his partner in life.I will tell you more about me when next i read from you...

Honestly, with or without a steady squeeze, I'm alright, thanks!  Despite - well, everything - I do admire that that he is willing to put himself on the line, and bonus points for knowing what he wants.  I'm tempted to ask him to express in quantifiable terms what he means by a " very strong urge for a very passionate sexual life" (desired duration, frequency, etc.) to see if I qualify ;-)   *Sigh.*

Match.com

Here's a doozy of an introduction from a potential online suitor...

Hi Angel,
It really beats my imagination to see such a pretty angel like you online i must confess you are amongs the wonders of God beauty,let me not be carried away by your beauty,ohh sorry i ought to introduce my self

My name is Eric and I really enjoyed reading your profile. You are very pretty, obviously smart, and I would love the chance to get to know you better.

...and it (unfortunately) continues, but I'll spare you.

Now, barring prison inmates and/or teenage hackers trying to have fun by mind-f***-ing divorced, "desperate," single moms  (I've got my radar on for both kinds of trolls), I really do give human beings the benefit of the doubt for all our respective flaws.  And I do recognize that we are all just plain searching for a soul with whom to connect, to love and be loved.

However,...

Bless thy heart, Eric...but I'm afraid, I would rather be single until hell freezes over than go here.

*sigh*

2009: The Year in Review (2)

[Dear reader, I’m writing my year in review chronologically, but if you are just arriving, you’re reading it in reverse chronological order. If you want to get the full picture, I recommend you scroll/jump down to the 1st entry.]

Summertime. I began to feel some stabilization. Life was now going to continue as it was, with Laz in the military; Grace in a good public school; reliable childcare; and work in autopilot. Many times, I felt my nerves frayed and my fuse short, but I was swimming twice a week, and that was doing wonders.

I began this swimming routine in 2009, specifically to clear my f-ing head, and it did do that. When I was at my wit’s end, a swim could clear the noise and set me straight. Ideally, I’d get this daily or 3-4x/week, but 2x/week was realistic, and I’m all about what’s “good enough,” not "ideal" these days.

To Hiking Viking (what I think of this right now)

When we were talking last night, I said that you must have really “needed this,” and I meant that in a good way. And what I failed to say, is that I also “needed this” – a wonderful person to whom to give my abundant love and affection and to be loved and appreciated back (“beloved”). (I trust you can accept my use of the word “love” in a broad and beautiful sense). The fact that I/we *needed* this does not discount my wonderful and genuine appreciation of you, desire to spend time with you, reveling in your attention and affection (and giving mine to you), and enjoying your very good soul at this moment in my life (and yours).

I've been blogged!

The Hiking Viking has blogged about me. It seems I am referred to as the Globetrotter. Nice. :-)

I'm just sayin'

I feel like a 14-year old - all hormones and butterflies.