2010: Year in Review, Part 3 Dear Daughter and other Loved Ones

Dear Daughter Seriously, I sometimes think I think my wonderful, thoughtful, giving, deeply insightful, kind, innocent six year-old daughter doesn't deserves a mother as flawed as I am.  I am in awe of her miraculousness.  I'm not the most maternal of women.  I would not be mistaken for a martyr.  I do not have infinite patience, endless capacity (or even desire), to nurture, boundless energy, and constant cheer.  I savor and pursue my adult life, sometimes at her expense.  I'm far from a helicopter mom or even a doting one.  My fuse can be short; my attention divided.  I sometimes half-jokingly refer to my mothering as "benevolent neglect" - that I hope will foster independence, scrappiness, and a provide a good adult women role model.  Despite my "bad mom" persona, I do make sure she always knows she is loved, safe, and secure. So far, so good...knock wood.

Quite honestly - between you and me -

2010: Year in Review, Part 2 - Men, Love , Sex and Ex

Life's Big Buckets in 2010, part 2 of three - This part is a Biggie - bigger than it should be, I'd think.  But what is Life without  Love?

Men, Sex, and Love - Or some combination thereof...sometimes.  The biggest trial of all.  As usual.  My half-full glass and pragmatic romantic view prevails.  It was a good year.  There was progress, there were setbacks; but more progress than setbacks.

As we entered 2010, I was enjoying a romantic interlude with Hiking Viking.  We seemed to be navigating our complexities and individual needs, desires, and directions well.  We were even growing closer and more emotionally intimate with whispers of sweet nothings and love.  Perhaps this was the harbinger - we really didn't belong in that territory, as lovely as it was - because CRASH!- BANG! -BOOM! we had some deep uglies suddenly and immediately afterward.  Uglies that left me reeling and confused, though in hindsight, it was more likely a necessary course correction.  We managed a bit more in a gentle, kind, supportive friendship - two people who seemed to get each other...with benefits.  But nice, and even right, as this was, it was  not safe or comfortable territory for me.  I tried to feel my way around this zone...but CRASH! BANG!  BOOM! in one of these (perhaps misguided)  conversations, I encountered anger, blame, vitriol - hurling accusations and spewing resentment - and our friendship was mutually declared over.  I have never in my life declared a friendship over - I've grown apart (sometimes intentionally); I've created space;  I've lost time and priority in friendships that had mutually served its purpose.  But I have never actively severed a friendship.  It left me reeling and destabilized again.  Another area, as the year closes, where I have found myself destabilized and second-guessing myself, and my mojo shaken.  Enough bandwidth...onward and upward.

Vegitect is a big character in this year's screen play.  Springtime, and all is possible.  New, green design gigs and newfound legs underneath himself made him ripe for romance when we met.  Here is an awesome man....witty, sexy, creative, handsome, and international.  :-) We found ourselves and each other in shared a passion for creativity in its infinite forms, and in our individual resilience always manifesting from the core.  Our compatibility and chemistry was notable.  I sometimes long for the promise of April - venturing to Paris with friends, and getting sweet, funny international text messages on l'autobus and brilliant sketched postcards for my birthday. But I feared... no, I knew... that he was not ready for involvement, and I told him as much, while I carefully skirted emotional attachment. Hell, I was so fuckin' prescient, I even wrote into My Main Gal Hax about the issue on an online discussions in June, that was later published in the Washington Post in September.  And prescient indeed... timing and time is important.  And as time passed, the messiness and acrimony of his divorce became more apparent, and the reality of throwing his dreams, drive and financial stake into a start-up in a crap economy became all-consuming.  It was a shit-storm in which I could not get sucked into the vortex, nor toss the life ring from the edge.  I have had my own shit-storm, and as recently emergent, I can say that life's personal shit-storms are best weathered independently.  But here and now, Dear Vegitect, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wit; your bizarre and endearing sense of irony; for sitting on my porch on early summer evenings talking with a bottle of chilled Spanish Cava or with sparklers in hand; for your photos, sketches, and sexy texts; for a well-planned mystery picnic; for teaching me the secrets of a perfectly fragrant and delicious daal; for the flowers; and for your continued friendship.  XO.

And while a few other minor characters made cameo appearances as love interests - one in particular that was not to be - it was a most of all a year of love and learning. And my learning has essentially led me to believe that it is timing that is mostly determinant, and that it takes time to see if love will stick among the competing vicissitudes.  And for the moment, I'm taking a chosen break, but surely not forever.

Irony  This was the year that I learned that Dear ex-Husband re-married.  I learned it on Facebook.  Two years after the fact.  This may well be my most mortifying and humbling moment.  I was enraged!  Anger and fury that I rarely feel, let alone express...but I did both to the fullest.  It felt amazing. But I know the source of my anger is also my disappointment, my sense of betrayal, and my sadness.  He and his wife are now expecting a baby any week now. And Dear Daughter suffers at the hands of an evil stepmother - it is not a cliche; she is a character study of immaturity, insecurity and passive-aggression. And Dear ex-Husband continues to make bad decisions that only spiral him downward, and his charm cannot save him anymore.  And the only good thing to come out of all his 2010 shenanigans is that I am freed of the horrible guilt and self-flaggelation for our failed marriage that I inflicted upon myself daily .    Did I make mistakes?  Yes.  Will I do things differently with my next partner/husband from the insight I have gained into (un)healthy, (dys)functional love and partnership?  Indeed, I fervently hope so.   Do I share the responsibility for our failure?  I do.  But I no longer blame myself.  There is nothing I could have done differently to save our marriage - as much as I tried and wished.  His latest antics are only proof that he could not and did not show up.  Not for me, and sadly, these days I worry, not even for himself.  And with all his hooey, I'm clearly, markedly, definitively better off without him.

2010: Year in Review, Part 1 - Work and Wealth

Overall, I'd declare this year Good overall, but most notably a year of Improvement and Progress.  :-)  For once, "most improved"doesn't feel like a consolation prize, but a hard-won, much-cherished feat.  The series of tragedies and bad news of years past have ebbed.  It was a welcome reprieve, and interestingly I noticed and appreciated the absence of constant losses and unheavals.  How often do we notice and appreciate that "nothing bad is happening" and therefore I am grateful?  Of course, I am grateful for the many good fortunes in my life this past year, and humbled by the setbacks.  Rather than a chronological review, this year I will examine Life's Big Buckets, and how each one fared.  This is a blog post in three parts (and some parts are a work in progress, as I continue to edit bit by bit).

Work - My job is demanding and stressful. At times, it can totally suck the life out of me.  For the better part of this year however, it sustained me and fulfilled me.  My boss, our CEO, announced her planned departure for early 2011, and this had some wonderful outcomes.  It was a great relief to know that a huge stressing, anxiety-producer will be releasing its grip.  Also, perhaps her own knowledge of her transition took some burden off her as well, because our relationship eased and became more trusting and respectful (for the most part).  Also, my ego was boosted, as both several members of our board and our funders saw me as a viable candidate to take on her role....but I am both smart and sane, and announced I would not be applying.  It was terrific to have the best of all worlds - good enough to do it, smart enough not to!

Take that NYTimes!

As much as I LOVE the NYTimes, this highly insulting article is totally dismissive of the DC, specifically Capitol Hill, dining scene.  It pretty much says that every recent restaurant opening up on the Hill is some version of junk food for simpletons!  I won't take it!

But this blogger from my local blogsite,The Hill is Home, says it best, New York Also Thinks DC Looks Fat In Those Pants!

Social Science Palooza

Weird science!  I'm WAY behind on my writing - but this cool article by NYTimes columnist, David Brooks, summarizes the (bizarre) results of recent social science research.

People are strange and complicated creatures.  At least that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it!

Freedom

Tonight, as I came in from fireside drinks with dear old friend, M, and I realized NO ONE was at home. NO ONE will be here for at least the next 24 hours.  Dear Daughter is with Dear ex-Husband, and au pair has flown off to Chicago for the holidays.  The house is empty, and ALL MINE.  I own this house - as much as anyone really can own their house in the United States of America - that is, the bank and I own this house, with lots of equity, and an affordable mortgage payment - which is good enough.  My obligations are all my own...I am only responsible for myself here and now.  I walked in the door, stripped off my clothes, and made lots of noise.  Tomorrow I will wake up, and make myself some good strong coffee, and take as long, as hot a shower as I please.  I will fart to my heart's content.  This is freedom for  this single working mom, folks.   Freedom plain and simple.

2010 Year in Ideas

My favorite issue of the New York Times magazine is out! The Year in Ideas presents some of the best innovation, ingenuity and imagination concepts of the year in various disciplines - medicine to design.  I just eat this issue up...and here are a few ideas that tickled my fancy:

Relaxation Drinks - With the energy drink market saturated for products like Red Bull , it makes sense that the next frontier in the specialty soft drink business would be relaxation drinks.  These drinks are loaded with natural relaxation agents like Valerian, Kava, and Melatonin.  As much as I actively seek ways to chill out, I'm not a likely consumer.

Youth Condom - After learning that many young people were doing it with condoms that didn't quite fit, a snugger (let's not say smaller, shall we?) condom, Hotshot, is marketed to 13 to 15 year olds.   I'm not that psyched that fourteen-year-olds are having sex - but a good 13% of them have been sexually active by age 15, and I want them to be safe, so I'm a fan.

Turbine-Free Wind Power - These wind powers vibrate from a passing breeze, and can convert the wind vibration to energy.  Since they take up little space and require less air area than wind turbines, they are well suited for urban spaces like the sides of buildings and rooftops.  I think wind farms are beautiful, but apparently, if I were better acquainted with them, I'd know they are noisy and cause danger to wildlife.  These oscillating panels are a step in the right direction for greener power.  I think the green innovation of this era is awesome!

The Train that Never Stops - A high-speed intercity train in China loses 45 minutes during its journey just because of 3-minute station stops along the way.  But this invention would save that precious time. Passengers enter and exit through pods that attach to the top of the train as it speeds through the station, and enter the train through a roof hatch.  Makes EZ Pass look old-fashioned!

Like.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Mind-blowing!!

This wonderful NYTimes feature, Mapping America: Every City, Every Block depicts 2010 census data through powerful color density graphics for every block.  Maps show race and ethnicity, income, education, housing, and families stats for any zip code and the specific census tracts of each - in my urban area this is about .25 square mile.  Go ahead, plug in your zip, zoom in, and get insight to the demographic composition of your own neighborhood.

I could have played with this for hours, but for now, I've learned some fascinating statistics for my little corner of the world, Census Tract 6802:

Winter Medley

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...


It's frigid cold these past few days.  The kind of cold where your face stings and your ears ring, and your fingertips go numb...with gloves.  I'm enjoying the real winter cold even though it's brutal when walking just a few blocks.  I've been drinking lots of hot chocolate, coffee, and tea.  I love bundling up in my new coat, cute hat, snug gloves and my scarf-of-the day.  I cherish the last moment in a cozy warm room before hitting the bracing, but exhilarating, air, or the first moment there that welcomes me back from it.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

It feels more like Christmastime than those balmy 50 degree days that Washington sometimes has in December.  At around 4'oclock on a gray, blustery day, it can look quite stark and dreary - those naked, gnarly tree branches in our concrete jungle.  But by 6pm, the holiday lights start to glow from the yards and from the Christmas trees framed in the undressed windows of inviting homes.  I love window-peeping in the urban winter landscape.

Let it snow.  Let it snow.  Let it snow.

It would all be softened by a little snow.  A white soft blanket that would cover the greys and muffle the harsh echoes.  And my guys at Capital Weather Gang are predicting the season's first snowfall will arrive tomorrow. One to two inches - a lit more than a dusting, and likely not lasting.  But that first snowfall is such a thrill.  Every. Single. Time.

Brown paper packages tied up with strings...

And I've got some holiday cheer, too.  I've been wrapping presents - one of my least favorite things to do, and usually put off until the very last minute.  But this year, I've engaged dear daughter and we're choosing paper and ribbon colors for each gift.  She writes the labels in her darling, newly-learned, uneven handwriting "To: Helena.  From: Grace and Victoria " and my heart melts to watch her grow up right before my eyes.  So present wrapping is not so awful this year, and we're doing a few per night.

Hallelujah!


Hallelujah, indeed!  Tomorrow, we're going to the Kennedy Center for the Messiah concert of the National Symphony Orchestra.  Every part of that last sentence is a superlative!  Such a wonderful treat.

And today, I will say, for the first time in a few days or a few weeks, It's a Wonderful Life.

Fa la la, la la, la, la, la, la.

Menu: Anyway, inspired by Nigella

Shrimp with Maryam Zaira sauce

Cocktail nuts

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Scallops and Chorizo

Flatiron Steak

Spinach with Chickpeas and Sherry

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Pots de Chocolate with fresh whipped cream

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Red and white wines and beer

Coffee

Sicko

I have been smacked upside the head with the flu.  My head pounds - the sinus pressure has given me an awful headache.  My joints and muscles ache from head to toe.  I have no energy, and even little efforts are exhausting. I have a scratchy throat and a dry cough.  Even my eyes feel awful - heavy from being tired, and irritated from alternating between dry and tear-y.   And with each passing hour in my bed, in my pj's,  I feel worse, not better.

I'm not good at being really sick.  Dragging and moaning a bit when a little under the weather is my specialty.  But when I'm really sick, I'm in denial.  I assume I can power through if.  My worst case prognosis tends to be to force myself to take care of myself with naps, ibuprofen, fluids, and vitamins, and  I'll be back at it in a coupla hours, or a half day at most.  So when Plan A (power through it) and Plan B (self-administer sick TLC for a few hours) don't cut it, I find myself a little stymied.  I'll be better by evening, right?  Or by the class I'm registered for tomorrow morning?  Or by the time my guests arrive for my dinner party tomorrow night?  At this point, I'm not so sure.
  

Books 2010: Corduroy Mansions by Alexander McCall Smith

I'm a longtime fan of Alexander McCall Smith's #1 Ladies Detective Agency series.  These books which are set in pastoral Botswana, tell the tales of Precious Ramatswe, a lady detective or a certain age and a certain size.  Each one describes a gentle African beauty of culture, people, and geography with humble respect and dignity.  There is something that is both simple and profound at once in the same sentence, the chapter, the entire novel, and the entire series.  It is a quick and easy read, but never insulting of one's intelligence.

Until now, I had not found McCall Smith's other novels all that appealing.  During the period that I was reading about the ladies detective agency, I was traveling back and forth to Africa.  This time, I was traveling back and forth to London, when I became immersed and enamored with Corduroy Mansions.

Corduroy Mansions is a townhouse divided into several flats in the Pimlico area of London.  Each flat has its own cast of characters, with somewhat interlinking stories, each totally absurd, yet somehow almost perfectly plausible.  One twenty-something flatmate living among the group of young women living together entirely by circumstance, is the junior staffer of an abhorrent MP who ends up firing her by text message. While another of these post-uni young woman works at a health food store, and somehow offers her boy-crush a free colonic irrigation.  A middle-aged gentleman is desperate to have his mid-20's son move out to his own place, and schemes ways to push him out of the nest.  All this while a desperate divorcee schemes her way into the nest.

The novel has an agreeable pace and tone.  McCall Smith carries you easily through each sentence and chapter, but never insult you intelligence.  And while the plots unfold in a simple, seemingly one-dimensional narrative, there is an additional plane of biting, droll wit, so subtle it's often almost missed, like one character's somewhat neurotic observation of the fish seller always being prompt, "she liked that in someone who sold perishables."  There were many times when reading, I just enjoyed the little subtle joke or the totally nuanced absurdity, and I could imagine McCall Smith's twinkling eyes as he wrote it.

4 out of 5 stars for a good read, an gentle read, and a natural humor...this one's easy on the eyes, and only as taxing on the brain as you want it to be.

A compliment

At a strange time when my mojo is hobbled, and I'm spending far too much time second-guessing myself, I got a unexpected nice compliment from our Controller today:

 "You have the biggest budget, the most responsibility, and you are the only one around here interested in reviewing your numbers.  You know right away when there's an error for accounting reclassification."

OK, not my usual point of pride, but I'll take it.