I'm tired and grumpy today after a night of little sleep. I tossed and turned, and worried about the CEO search at work and how it will all affect me; the state of merger negotiations and if there's still hope; the irksome ambiguities of my dating screen; vacillating on whether I'm bullish or bearish on my retirement fund; concerned about my body and health deteriorating - my metabolism screeching to a halt and my reading eyes going blind starting the day I hit 40. Oh me, oh my...to just have certainty about the future. I know, I know....HA! At most, I can have comfort that it will all be OK - which I generally do, but last night it decided to take the slippery slope downward.
So I took my exhaustion and uncertainty out on my daughter this morning. As she readied for school, excited about her day, we just - as mother and daughters do - pushed each others' buttons. It started with excess conditioner in her hair, discovered only after she was fully dressed, and me trying to rinse/comb it out without her getting back into the shower. Which led to a wet dress, and a wet floor, and wet towels, and painfully combing through tangles. Which led to tears (hers) and impatience (mine) and whines (hers) and yelling (mine). And drama, that included stomping (hers) and slammed doors (hers) and cursing (mine - aloud, but to myself, if it makes a wee bit of difference in your opinion of me, dear reader). And more crying and yelling (hers and mine respectively).
And her cries and whines were amplified in my tired and impatient brain, reverberating like a huge train barreling through my bedroom or an airplane taking off on my roof. Just unbearable head noise that I just desperately wanted to end right at that very second. I can handle a conversation, maybe even a negotiation - but not this screaming dear animal child! And if it also makes a wee difference, dear reader, at one point she is sobbing and crying to me, but looking at her reflection in the mirror. Which led to me getting even more exasperated, because I am watching my 6-year old Drama Queen audition for her Little Orphan Annie role. Which led to realizing - thank god - that my patience had run its course, and my temper was taking over. Which led to a time out (mine...yes, mine).
And when it was all over, and we were sitting there amidst wet towels late for school and work, there were hugs and apologies (mine and hers, but mostly mine). And I feel like a horrible ogre. And I feel guilty. And I feel like the Worst Mom Ever. And I am embarrassed and ashamed that I do not have more patience and calm in me, especially with my dear child, who is wonderful and still innocent, and tremendously unblemished. And I'm still sad and upset that I am not a better mom and a better person.
*hugs* Although I see only a part of your parenting world, probably just a small part of it, I am quite sure you are far from being a bad mom, let alone the worst ever. (If I haven't ever told you stories of my dad's mother... *shudder*) But I can imagine that scene, and how frustrated you were, and how that precipitated a collapse of the delicate house of emotional cards you'd been just managing to stabilize until then.
ReplyDeleteI've not been in those circumstances, but I've been in similar ones (trying to calm and quiet an angry, exhausted, frustrated infant at 0-dark-30, for example), and I sympathize. But what stands out to me about your account is your regret, your recognition that apologies were needed (on all sides, to be sure), and your longing for greater calm and patience.
Most people, in my opinion, will always experience stress and conflict and argument and frustration with others. Even--ESPECIALLY--with those whom we love. What's important is how we handle it, how we deal with the aftermath, and what we learn from it all. It sounds to me like you're doing those pretty well, despite not achieving the ideal to which you aspire.
*sigh* Thank you.
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