From my sub-conscious

Last night's dream involved a camping and barbecue party on a beach bluff with a summer cottage.  My dream boyfriend* was fishing for dinner from a nearby creek, and then prepared the whole fish beautifully with some seasoning for grilling, lovingly presenting it to me.  I smiled, touched by his generous efforts, but my softened heart also sunk for I knew something he did not know.  Amongst the many people in our group, my dream former boyfriend** was also there, and they were about to encounter each other.  We all did our best to act like nothing was up between or among any party in the love triangle, but everyone was extremely uncomfortable.

Alone, I skipped over some dunes to find a little beach cove, and saw a family of whales breaching in the open sea beyond. Later, I magically swam with two baby whales in the little intlet that opened out from our private beach. Back on the bluff, stars in the night sky, people had broken into small groups laughing and chatting in lowered voices  or lovers leaning one against the other whispering to each other and into the darkness.  I couldn't find dream boyfriend, and knew he had gone to heal himself.  Dream former boyfriend had left.  I felt both happy (content swimming and being outside on a beautiful evening, taking care of myself)  and horrible, because I knew I had contributed to hurt feelings and tension.  I knew, in fact, not only that dream former boyfriend would be there, but in fact, I had invited both men without sharing in advance what each was headed for.  The sub-conscious of my sub-conscious even knew that I had played the whole thing for my own ego, and to show each what he had or did not have.  I awoke from the dream feeling guilty, but aware, and knowing the way forward.

Later, I dozed again in the early hours of the morning, and fell back into the dream.  This time, I found dream boyfriend at his home, hurt and withdrawn.  I begged forgiveness, a genuine lump in my throat, tears in my eyes.  "I'm so sorry," I said, holding forth my arms for both comfort and forgiveness.  He hesitated, which I deserved, but then came towards me for which I was relieved and grateful, and knew I would not take for granted.  We kissed, and sighed.  I knew this is where I wanted to be.

* an amalgam of several men I've known and cared for
** no one I recognized

ETA - There were two parts of this dream that stood out for me.  First, the more obvious one of the relationship dynamics, my role in manipulating them, and the sincere realization, almost revelation, that that was not what I wanted to do.  The second very poignant element of the dream was the joy of being outside and keeping things in their most natural state - catching, seasoning and grilling fish, the bluff, the dunes, the screened in porch of a summer cottage, a light breeze, swimming alone in a small, private cove. Those things were especially vivid and salient, and brought me an almost extreme measure of contentment that very much carried throughout the dream.