I [HEART] Carolyn Hax (on casual dating)

Carolyn Hax is so wise....I really enjoyed this particular column because of the way the writer expressed his feelings about his girlfriend (fair enough, and quite clear); the way Hax talked about how to navigate that line and the premise it's built upon; and because I'm casually dating (or trying to anyway).

Some excerpts are below....and the full link to the column ("He's not that into her; how clear should he make that?") is here.

Dear Carolyn:  I am having fun with my girlfriend but am well aware she's not marriage material for me. She says she is fine with dating casually for now. I know girls sometimes say this and don't mean it, so what's my responsibility here? To keep reminding her that it's not headed anywhere? That seems like such a buzzkill.  Anonymous

Why is she good enough to date but not good enough to marry?  Carolyn:

She's just . . .
fine. I like seeing her about twice a week, but have no desire to spend more time around her than I do already. The only real thing we have in common is that we live in the same city and like the same places. I have fun with her when we get together. I don't really think about her when she's not around, and, if I had to choose between her and the freedom to date whoever I want, I'd choose freedom.  Anonymous again

And parts of Hax's response excerpted after the link:

Thanks, that makes sense.

It's easy to argue that as long as you were upfront with her about your intentions, it's okay to leave it at that, and let a grown woman make her own choices.

Unfortunately, that argument is based on the premise that we are in control of our feelings and always able to act in our own best interests. 

Emphasis and double emphasis added.  I'm shocked how often I cannot act in my own best interests, for a little while at least, despite being more or less clear on what is (or is not ) in my best interest.


And a few more Hax thoughts on the matter...

But if she is visibly falling for you, and she either has tried to pull away but can't -- or, worse, if she's saying all the right noncommittal things but is clearly pining -- then it's cruel to keep taking actions that lead her on.

There does seem to be one more possibility -- that you're uneasy solely because "girls" sometimes say they're fine with dating casually when they "don't mean it." If that's what this is about, then please don't assume things about her based solely on her sex. Talk about a buzzkill.

Emphasis added again - I'm shocked at how fine I am with casually dating, and so much happier than when I was on a full-fledged "husband hunt."  I do sometimes wonder if I'm kidding myself about all this - but on a good day (emphasis added), I don't think so.