[Dear reader, I’m writing my year in review chronologically, but if you are just arriving, you’re reading it in reverse chronological order. If you want to get the full picture, I recommend you scroll/jump down to the 1st entry.]
Summertime. I began to feel some stabilization. Life was now going to continue as it was, with Laz in the military; Grace in a good public school; reliable childcare; and work in autopilot. Many times, I felt my nerves frayed and my fuse short, but I was swimming twice a week, and that was doing wonders.
I began this swimming routine in 2009, specifically to clear my f-ing head, and it did do that. When I was at my wit’s end, a swim could clear the noise and set me straight. Ideally, I’d get this daily or 3-4x/week, but 2x/week was realistic, and I’m all about what’s “good enough,” not "ideal" these days.
I felt I was finding myself again, and knowing who I am (and who I’m not), and accepting myself, loving myself, and embracing my imperfect self. I didn’t know what’s next (and I still do not), and that is remarkably disturbing and uncomfortable. Trying to get comfortable enough in the unknown is hard, but sometimes I succeed. It was instructive to realize that even at the times I thought I was on a clear, predictable and comfortable path with everything going as “expected,” I never *really” knew where I was going, that life is always uncertain. What a revelation! - but it is a tenuous hold, and I’m determined to keep it. Things, in this mode, all began to fall into place, and it was wonderfully liberating.
Of course, this state of mind, led to some good dating outcomes in late summer/early fall, as that sense of comfort and confidence attracts. I enjoyed casual dating *at last,* as I didn’t search for where it was going or defining it. KT was a particularly promising suitor in August and September, but I felt myself invest more, and recognize that I was losing myself and falling off a cliff. Of course, I did, and, of course, that ended. It is a constant struggle not to lose myself when dating, and I am determined to maintain this balance.
As summer ended, I experienced chronic minor setbacks, making me feel like I was always, always, always dealing with some shit or other, and could I please, please, please just have a shit-free stretch for a while? The house was infested by fleas (mystery occurrence) for almost a month, and took 4 visits from the exterminator to conquer the problem. I was covered in bites and irritation on my sensitive skin. This was followed by a painful case swimmers’ ear that kept me from the pool; then a bout of swine flu. And any brief repose from any of this to catch my breath was offset by a work trip, jet lag, or another weekend away for another obligation. In retrospect, the chronic setbacks are long gone, and will one day be forgotten and inconsequential. At the time, it felt like I was still reeling, and I’d never find a stretch of quiet again.
To be continued…jump to 3rd and final entry
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