2009: Year in Review (3)

[Dear Reader, Please scroll/jump to the 1st and 2nd installment.  I'm writing chronologically; you are reading in reverse]

Fall, at last!  Usually, this is a good time for me, as I'm perpetually on a back-to-school cycle, and I hate DC heat.  Swimming fell by the wayside, which was a bummer, and had its effect on me.  I suffered with a chronic cough, swine flu, swimmer's ear, and constant jet leg and fatigue from travel (California, Toronto, San Antonio, California (x2), and India).  Still, there was a general upward trend, as my sickness and ills waned, I swam a bit, spent more time at home, and started spending time with Hiking Viking (who I think with this post, will be henceforth referred to by his first name, Jan).

Let's start with him...
- tho' I'm reticent to give him too much bandwidth. Should some great guy, who I really like a lot, get more time and space than my daughter? And I know, all too well, an early undefined relationship can take up a lot of mental space, and then proves inconsequential in the grand scheme.  I want to keep my priorities straight.  I do not think Jan will end up being inconsequential - he is special enough to have earned a perma-place in my soul and life's journey.   I guess I'm just conscious of overblowing this thing, when there is a lot of time and ground to cover before I can sort out the noise from the tune.

But....Jan wrote me on the day of my last date with KT (a last date which I saw  coming from afar, and interestingly, KT gets this mere mention in the Year in Review - ha!).  When I read Jan's introductory email, I thought, "a door closes, and a window opens."  Unexpected.  His early emails were thoughtful and word-y, which scores big points, as did his copper-y beard.  He was confident, without being presumptuous - also appreciated.  I recognized some common interests and values, but questioned a real intersection of pursuits and priorities.  I still struggle with this.  I'm not quite sure what to make of this guy.  But along the way, I've also discovered a truly gentle, kind, thoughtful, open, sexy, giving, generous, funny, intelligent  soul with whom I enjoy spending time , as well as snogging and shagging.  :-)  And as he exits from a recent and seemingly whirlwind marriage, and prepares a long-anticipated and deferred move to the UK, and I am cautious to be "anybody's anything," we're finding a place of spending time together, caring for/about the other, loving and being loved, "involved" as each other's "temporary" boy/girlfriend.  It all sounds quite lovely in principle, and I would love for it to remain sweet and simple, though I'm not so naive to think that that's not without its ambiguities and complications.  It does at times, and it will. 

Enough of that, I insist on being smart here (or trying to be).

Work this year has been a slog (which has nothing to do with snogging or shagging, alas!).  I've spent much of the time uninspired and unmotivated.  I think this is burn-out, which I attribute partly just to the external reality of *never* getting to renew and rejuvenate - solo-parenting, working, etc.  But mostly, it is my boss, M, who has utterly drained me.  She has a reputation for using people up, and throwing them out, and after nearly 5 years, my reserves are low (I must have had good reserves to start with, as I am one of the longest lasting on the crew.).  The problem is, I'm just not sure what or where next.  And now, more than ever, these decisions are more enmeshed with others - personal constraints/obligations/priorities,  finances, G's education, limits of my drive/ambition...but I know I must make some changes here.  I hope 2010 brings clarity here, and change.

I'm burning out on my year in review, too, and I'm not sure I've taken the proper tack for this exercise.  But I want and should end with my dear daughter, G.  This year she has been a trooper - far more than me.  She has watched her dad leave, her mom reach her limits,  and she suffered Natalia's loss in a more profound sense than I (and certainly for her age)...but she continues to demonstrate beautiful insight, bright outlook, and brilliance.  I have struggled to be present for her.  At times, I am an ambivalent mom.  I have struggled to find the balance/division between myself and her - not the picture of the self-sacrificing mama martyr.  Too often, I have too little patience.   I am forever in awe of this child I am raising.  I am humbled to have the chance to raise and shape with remarkable being.  I'm not sure I'm worthy of her goodness, but I will continue to give her all that I can, and then some.

L'chaim!